23 July 2011

I really dont know what to type here.. Things are just getting messy/vexed/depressive again... Its an emotional roller coaster and i think i am about to reach my limit and break down..

Sometimes, (or to me. most of the times) things just dont happen the way i want it to be. I can plan stuffs and try to think of the best possible ways to make things happen and be happy, but problems always arises and things just got derailed time and time again. I am sick, i am tired of this cycle that i couldnt break out of...

And i am supposed to start school on Monday!! What a way to start... when things are as low as you could think of, i am supposed to go to this school to study what i wanted to study and be a salt and light there... The timing couldnt be any much worse!

I dont know what to say to u, perhaps i should also just change my priority as well? That i shldnt care or think too much about the things i should think of? That i should stop putting in effort in this r/s, since your priority wasnt me? If even LG rates higher, then why should i continue to give in my best since its surely to be a one sided thing?

Yet i am bonded by my words and my promises to you. And even God say that i should love you as how He has loved the church. But i feel that i am really not up to it now. The words spoken have already carved their marks in my heart, and they wont just go away anytime soon.

Neither do i wan a demanding future father-in-law that sees that i am not being progressive in my life! I do what i want to do wif my life, and no one can judge me. Neither will i bow down and try to prove anything to anyone! I am myself and as long as i do things that is right in God's sight and does not trouble my conscience, i dont give any balls to whoever says anything about me. And that will always remain that. Period.

I will give myself 3 mths to do and carry out what i think i should do. Unless God intervenes or there are some miracle changes, i will perhaps carry out this plan. God will be in this too, because i wan to be sure i am doing what is best for me and for you. Whatever happens after that, we shall see.